To Vacate

From Unsent Letter to My Friend, J, whom I went to visit two summers ago (or was it one?  Who can keep track!):

         What was that phrase that jumped into my head during those ten days: 
          For strange country, look within.  

          On the idea of vacation.  It comes, obviously, from the verb  'to vacate' (a word, btw,  that began with the French Aristocrats 'vacating' the city for their country villas). 

         Somehow I seemed to vacate myself while I was in WA.       

         Still, back home, in Oakland, I find myself in the midst of this monumental, long-distance stressing, self-doubt marathon, technology-losing, typing so much and so hard (I was raised on manuals, OKAY?  And NO, I am not that old -- it was just what we had at home!) that I've turned some of the fingerpads to blank pads (all except for X, J & Q).    I mean X and Q, okay.  But J?  Little old humble j??

         (Digression; comes w/ the smoking of the pot-pot).

         Makes me think of something else CL says to me, ‘do you ever write with nothing on board?’  His RN terminology does soothe me.  In that yes, it’s medical, and YES, I am sick in the head!  Just ask Judd Apatow!
Can everyone please love me anyway?

      (Of course I know the answer to that.  To the exact extent that you can do that for somebody else, will somebody else(s) be able to do it for you).

         Love begets love.  And nobody says about love, FUCK, no!  Who the hell wants that?  And nobody refutes the old hippie songs (‘all you need is love/’).

         Nobody.  Not even the goddamn Republicans.  (Since they already  have 99% of the money, of COURSE all they need is love!)

         And yet, I am not brave, or smart, or evolved, or awakened, or tough, or cool, or detached enough not to feel pushed back, and not gently, when the people around me start talking about their complete lack of interest in thought.  Further, that thought ‘sucks – is just about immoral, to say nothing of DEEPLY BORING, and the stupidest thing a person can do on their road to enlightenment.’

         Since thought is what I do, and then write down, and what I do best, and the best way I know how to hit the truth (combined w/ God knows what other variables -- & by God, I mean The Goddess).  Isn’t it weird how it’s God but then it’s ‘The’ Goddess?

Hmmm….

         Another random thought (that I  imagine might take/lead/drop me somewhere I’ve never been before):

it’s all about the element of surprise.

(‘Soldiers, parachuting in in full makeup!  Now THAT would surprise the other troops!’  Eddie Izzard, looking simply fucking fabulous, and NOT in a gay way, either)…

- June 19th, 2015/first written in July 2013